College.

Last semester, I took a class called "Language, Culture and Communication in the U.S." which, unfortunately, ended up being much more of an annoyance than an enjoyable learning experience. However, during the first couple of classes, the professor enforced the idea that students in college struggle to find a balance between actually learning new information and doing well in classes so that they'll be able to have a certain job/career. Obviously, everyone in an academic setting wants to do well and get good grades- but I feel like the degree to which people actually want to obtain knowledge tends to be a lot more variable. While some people genuinely seem interested in taking classes and learning new things, others' main concern is the grades they get. Mastery of the information takes a backseat to performance.

I'm writing about this topic because I recently realized that, for me, college has been a lot more about doing well in classes rather than actually learning, and I think that's one of the reasons why I've been dissatisfied with my college experience. In high school, I worked hard and studied because I was genuinely interested in the material. Of course there were a few classes that I wasn't a huge fan of and didn't particularly enjoy, but for the most part, I loved my classes and I loved learning. Even when the workload got overwhelming at times, I was still motivated to work hard, because I cared about my classes. I enjoyed learning about the nervous system and myelinated neurons and the nodes of Ranvier. I loved acting out Macbeth and discussing the themes of Great Expectations. I was interested in all the historical events that took place both in the United States and around the world. I liked school and I liked learning; yes, I worked hard, but I had fun at the same time.

Now, though, I feel like academics have become more tedious and frustrating than interesting. My classes were mostly all right during my first year at college, but this past year has been disappointing. Writing papers has become incredibly stressful, and I no longer have faith in my ability to come up with a strong thesis or good supporting points. Getting myself to read textbooks and review notes was never my favorite thing in the world, but it used to be so much easier for me to convince myself to sit down and study. My outlook on school used to be a lot more oriented around learning and understanding new things and expanding my knowledge- now I feel like the only reason I even do work and study anymore is so that I can get good grades. And this depresses me, because I don't want grades to be my only motivation. I want to work hard because I like and care about my classes. I miss being inspired and excited and wanting to do well and learn for the sake of learning, not just so that my GPA won't drop. And I hate that college, a place where I feel like I should be enjoying my classes more than I did in high school since I get to choose them and am supposed to be focusing on a subject I'm interested in, has become an environment that has depleted my love of learning and made school entirely about stress and struggling to get decent grades.

I guess all I can do is do my best and work hard, and hope that in the next two years, I'll be able to get more out of the academic aspects of college than I have in this past year. Or maybe I'll just drop out of college and get a job at Red Mango, so that I can give my friends extra mochi on their frozen yogurt. :P (No, I won't really drop out. But I would love to get a job there for the summer!)