College.

Last semester, I took a class called "Language, Culture and Communication in the U.S." which, unfortunately, ended up being much more of an annoyance than an enjoyable learning experience. However, during the first couple of classes, the professor enforced the idea that students in college struggle to find a balance between actually learning new information and doing well in classes so that they'll be able to have a certain job/career. Obviously, everyone in an academic setting wants to do well and get good grades- but I feel like the degree to which people actually want to obtain knowledge tends to be a lot more variable. While some people genuinely seem interested in taking classes and learning new things, others' main concern is the grades they get. Mastery of the information takes a backseat to performance.

I'm writing about this topic because I recently realized that, for me, college has been a lot more about doing well in classes rather than actually learning, and I think that's one of the reasons why I've been dissatisfied with my college experience. In high school, I worked hard and studied because I was genuinely interested in the material. Of course there were a few classes that I wasn't a huge fan of and didn't particularly enjoy, but for the most part, I loved my classes and I loved learning. Even when the workload got overwhelming at times, I was still motivated to work hard, because I cared about my classes. I enjoyed learning about the nervous system and myelinated neurons and the nodes of Ranvier. I loved acting out Macbeth and discussing the themes of Great Expectations. I was interested in all the historical events that took place both in the United States and around the world. I liked school and I liked learning; yes, I worked hard, but I had fun at the same time.

Now, though, I feel like academics have become more tedious and frustrating than interesting. My classes were mostly all right during my first year at college, but this past year has been disappointing. Writing papers has become incredibly stressful, and I no longer have faith in my ability to come up with a strong thesis or good supporting points. Getting myself to read textbooks and review notes was never my favorite thing in the world, but it used to be so much easier for me to convince myself to sit down and study. My outlook on school used to be a lot more oriented around learning and understanding new things and expanding my knowledge- now I feel like the only reason I even do work and study anymore is so that I can get good grades. And this depresses me, because I don't want grades to be my only motivation. I want to work hard because I like and care about my classes. I miss being inspired and excited and wanting to do well and learn for the sake of learning, not just so that my GPA won't drop. And I hate that college, a place where I feel like I should be enjoying my classes more than I did in high school since I get to choose them and am supposed to be focusing on a subject I'm interested in, has become an environment that has depleted my love of learning and made school entirely about stress and struggling to get decent grades.

I guess all I can do is do my best and work hard, and hope that in the next two years, I'll be able to get more out of the academic aspects of college than I have in this past year. Or maybe I'll just drop out of college and get a job at Red Mango, so that I can give my friends extra mochi on their frozen yogurt. :P (No, I won't really drop out. But I would love to get a job there for the summer!)

Divergent thinking.

It's been almost a year since my last update here...fail, I know. But every time that I'd thought about something I wanted to write about, I either forgot what it was (this happened a lot, actually, I'd be like "Hey, I want to talk about this in my blog!" and then later I'd be like "Oh, fuck, what was I going to write about again?" *headdesk*) or, by the time I'd start to talk about a certain topic, I wouldn't feel as intensely about it anymore as I did when I was thinking about it before, so I figured there was no point in continuing the entry. Words without passion behind them, in my opinion, are just...empty, and what's the point on sharing your thoughts on a certain subject if there's no meaning behind it? I wouldn't want to read that, and I certainly don't want to write something like that.

(By the way, I'm not saying that every single thing I talk about is loaded with meaning and has deep thought behind it. Honestly, I think over half the things I write are overflowing with flaily keymashes and capslock abuse- and when I'm writing about things that have happened in my day/life, I usually don't put that much thought into it unless I'm reflecting on something- but if I'm going to spend the time to discuss a specific topic)

Anyway, what I really came here to talk about is divergent thinking.

If anyone reading this isn't familiar with that term, divergent thinking is the process of coming up with a bunch of different answers for one question or problem. When you've answered open-ended or essay questions in school, you're using divergent thinking. House uses divergent thinking when he tries to figure out how to figure out whatever mysterious illness is causing a patient's symptoms. Basically, you have multiple approaches you can take to to arrive at an answer- and, depending on the situation, it may or may not be the same answer, but it's still a working solution. This contrasts with convergent thinking, in which there is only one solution to a problem and usually only one way to approach it. For example, if you're taking a test that requires you to provide definitions, there's only one answer you can give- whatever the definition of that word is.

I'm a huge advocate of divergent thinking. I had trouble phrasing the above paragraph without making me sound biased, because I think that being able to approach one problem or issue or idea in many different ways is amazing and something that people tend to underestimate. If everyone had the same views on everything, I feel like we'd never get anywhere. Yes, different perspectives can cause conflicts, and sometimes it can be incredibly frustrating when two sides oppose each other so strongly that it seems like the issue in question will never get solved. However, if one person comes up with what they believe to be the only solution to a problem and everyone else just goes along with it, that won't necessarily work out; if there are any major flaws in the plan, it would be a lot better to point them out as soon as possible and try to fix/work around them, rather than attempt to pick up the pieces after the original plan falls apart. That's why I'm always so interested in hearing different people's perspectives on things- it's always so intriguing to me to hear all the various ways that people feel about the same topic. Even if I don't agree with someone else's point of view, at least I can understand where they're coming from.

I feel like society (at least in America) emphasizes convergent thinking more than divergent thinking- I was discussing this with one of my friends, and she said that's because it can be tested more easily, which is true, but it just frustrates me. Not that I don't think convergent thinking is important- there are definitely cases in which there's only one solution to a problem and it just needs to be solved as quickly and efficiently as possible- but I hate the fact that things like memorization and repetition seem to be valued more than independent thought and understanding. Of course it's important to memorize things and know your information, but if you just have the facts in your head but don't grasp the underlying concepts, then how much is that really worth?

The definition of convergent thinking on Wikipedia states that "it generally means the ability to give the correct answer to standard questions that do not require significant creativity." And that makes me a little upset, honestly, because why would anyone want to plant the idea in people's minds that creativity isn't important? I know I'm exaggerating slightly, and that there are so many people out there who appreciate unique thoughts and ideas, but it just scares me to think of anyone reinforcing the idea that thinking creatively doesn't matter as long as you're able to memorize facts and perform well on tests. I just value independent thought and creativity so much, and I think it deserves just as much of a focus- I feel like people so greatly underestimate these things, and it makes me sad and frustrated because the ability to express your thoughts and ideas is something that, to me, should never be put down.

I could go on and on about this, but I think I'll stop now before I get to the point where I'm just reiterating the same thing over and over again (that is, if I haven't reached that point already...) I don't know how frequently I'll be updating, but it feels good to post something here again. :)

Phrasing.

So I'm at the point where I'm updating this blog about once a month now...which is pretty good, I guess. Despite the massive amount of time I spend procrastinating instead of doing homework and studying, I don't always have the time and energy to write...and sometimes I just don't have anything to write about. I'll try to keep up with my one-entry-a-month pattern, though, even though I may be more compelled to write once the semester's over and I have more free time. I guess there's no way to tell until the time actually comes.

Anyways...on to what I initially came here to write about: phrasing things.

Putting things into words is an easier concept for some people than for others. Some people can automatically convert their thoughts and feelings into an articulate description without giving it much thought, while others spend a much more considerable amount of time struggling to come up with the "right" way to say what they want to say. As I've been told many times, "it's not just about what you say, but how you say it." It's not always just about the words themselves- it's about the meaning behind them, the tone and attitude that goes along with them, as well as the audience the words are being directed to. For example, when talking to my friends about a character who used to be on a TV show that I like, I'd probably say something such as "David Palmer is epic! He's really smart and always listens to Jack, since he knows he's always right, which is why he's the best president." However, if I was attempting to analyze his character when writing a review of the show, I'd be more likely to phrase it like "David Palmer is an outstanding character. He is an authoritative president who is strong in his beliefs and decisions, and his unfailing trust in Jack Bauer ensures that he is making the best decisions for his country." Both statements mean pretty much the same thing, but are phrased differently due to the different audiences they are intended for.

Another issue that many people have is trying to avoid having their words come across in a way that they don't intend them to. This is especially difficult in writing, since no one is actually speaking the words so the tone behind them can often be misunderstood. Someone may be trying to phrase something in a matter-of-fact, logical tone and actually have it come across as harsh, as a result of how they said it. I've often worried that things I've said will appear to be angry or critical when they aren't meant to be at all. That's one reason I often avoid talking about things that make me angry or upset- not only do I prefer to avoid conflict, but I'm afraid I won't be able to express it properly, and I'll end up making whoever I'm talking/writing to angry, frustrated, annoyed, or have them think I'm stupid for feeling the way I do. I mean, sometimes that's not all due to the way things are phrased- sometimes the way a person reacts to something will be the same no matter how you say it, just because of their own personal beliefs/thoughts, but many times the wording really does make a difference. I mean, saying "Oh my god, you never listen to me when I talk, all you do is talk about yourself," compared to "Sometimes I feel like you don't really pay attention to the things I say, and it makes me feel like you don't really care," is different, in my opinion...the first one is more accusing, while the other one leans more toward explaining how you feel about the situation, and then giving the other person a chance to give their point, hopefully without having to be defensive (which would probably occur in the first scenario).

So...yeah. (Great display of eloquence there, I know.) Putting things into words and having them turn out exactly the way you want them to isn't always an easy task, but the feeling of finally phrasing something in just the way you want it to, and having it carry out just the right effect, definitely makes the struggle (or the gift, if you're one of the lucky ones out there who doesn't have much trouble with it) for good wording worth it. ^^

Optimism & cynicism.

Many people who have known me have thought of me as being cynical. In fact, I actually called myself cynical from the moment I learned it in third grade when we had it as a vocabulary word, where it was defined as "doubting the good intentions of others." However, many people have also considered me to be a positive and optimistic person; one of my friends even went as far as to say that I live too much in the land of "rainbows and fluffy bunnies" and need to be a bit more realistic sometimes.

So, after being called both optimistic and cynical, I'd have to say that I'm a bit of both. I'm cynical in the aspect that I do tend to be paranoid and suspicious about many things (although part of that could be attributed to the fact that I'm a New Yorker. XD), that it's hard for me to accept compliments, and that whenever I'm happy, I know that happiness won't last forever. At the same time, I'm optimistic because I'm grateful for the many wonderful people and things in my life that I have, and because even though I know that I'm not always going to be happy, and there will be moments in my life when I'm stressed or feeling down, knowing that helps me appreciate the happy and fun moments even more. After all, if we were happy all the time, how would we really know what happiness was? Going through difficult times makes the good times more worthwhile and meaningful in comparison, at least in my opinion.

I came up with this quote a few weeks ago when I was feeling sad: "If you ever need reasons to be happy, just think of each one of your friends." It's definitely a quote that applies to me, and I'm sure it applies to many others as well. My friends are really important to me, and just knowing that I have each one of them as a part of my life is enough to make me happy. Even if thinking about that when I'm upset may not always be able to completely fix whatever it is that's causing my sadness or bad mood, it's definitely enough to be able to alleviate it at least slightly, and remind me that no matter how bad things may get, I have wonderful friends who make my life better just by being in it and being themselves. (As corny as it may sound, it's true.) The way I see it, even if you only have one friend, that's still one more reason to be happy than if you don't have any at all.

Judging from this entry, I come across here as a lot more of an optimist than a cynic- like I said, I think I'm a bit of both, and I don't think there's a problem with having both qualities as long as they're in healthy amounts. Being overly cynical can be detrimental if you're constantly being suspicious of people and you can't learn to open up to and trust anyone, and being too optimistic can be problematic if you're so hopeful and assured that things will be able to go a certain way that you aren't able to look at situations from a realistic perspective.

I really wish I had some awesome way of tying this entry together and "ending it with a bang," as our teachers always told us to do when writing conclusions, but I'm actually really tired and probably should've written this entry when I was more coherent. >.> Still, though, I hope it makes sense and isn't too full of massive run-ons, haha.

I was uncool before uncool was cool.

Almost everyone, at some point in their life, has probably wanted to be considered cool. Whether it's through the way they present themselves ("Cool shirt" or "Oh, you got a haircut, it looks really cool!"), or through an action they do ("Yo, you went skydiving? Cool!") people want to do things that get them accepted into social circles, that make them either fit in or stand out in a positive way.

But what does it really mean to be "cool"?

In my opinion, it's not something that's easy to define, since pretty much everything may be considered cool by some people but lame by others. I mean, some people might think lava lamps are awesome (myself included XD), while others may find them ridiculous, and not understand why people are so fascinated by colorful glowing blobs encased in glass. It works the other way around, too; some people may think polka dotted clothing is unattractive while other people really like the style.

As for acting "cool," though, I don't think it's always such a pressing issue for everyone. I mean, some people are in situations where they're expected to act certain ways with certain groups of people, otherwise they may be criticized, which leads them to feel that they need to hold back certain aspects of their personality. Also, people may be uncomfortable with certain ways that they act- even if it hasn't been judged, they just feel awkward about their own actions and that they should change themselves in order to feel more at ease.

I know that in many aspects, I would never be considered cool. One of my closest friends has told me many times that I am lame, a dork, a loser, etc. and while I know he's kidding and just picking on me in a joking way, at the same time, I know there's a grain of truth to his statements. A lot of the things I say come completely out of nowhere, don't make much sense, or end up sounding kind of stupid...not to mention I tend to tell really bad stories that have no point whatsoever. So yeah, listening to me talk may seem like a total WTF-fest at times, and a lot of the things I say and do could make me come across as kind of a major dork. Sometimes I feel a little self-concious about it, I'm not gonna lie. I feel as if I should change the way I act or live a different sort of lifestyle...but then I think about it and I think about certain things other people do and I really don't want to have their lifestyles. Even if I might seem kind of eccentric...I have fun, and I'm happiest when I'm with my friends hanging out and just having fun with them, being random and crazy and talking about anything and everything. I'm sure that's true for most people out there...no matter what their idea of having fun or being cool is.

So, yeah...even though there are times when I'm not entirely secure with myself, I'm pretty sure that's the same with everyone out there. Overall, I think that it's better to accept all the qualities of your personality, even if some of them may be considered lame or dorky or whatever...and even though not everyone may be understanding of them, when you're able to find good friends who you can completely be yourself around without worrying about how stupid or ridiculous you may look or sound (especially if they're with you acting just as ridiculous, haha) it's a great feeling. As this quote that you may recognize says, "Be a dork, because life's too short to be cool."

Luck.

One of my friends from college gave me a little charm as a Christmas present before we left for break, and told me "This is the Chinese character for lucky, so that means that this year (referring to the upcoming year), you will be lucky!" It got me thinking about what it means to be lucky and the whole concept of luck in general.

What does it really mean to be lucky? I guess one definition of the word might be "someone who has something good, or many good things, happen to them." For example, someone who wins the lottery would be seen as lucky by many people. Someone who does really well on a test they barely studied for, or someone who gets the lead role in a very competitive audition for a play may also be considered lucky. Even if you're walking down the street and find five dollars on the ground, you're probably likely to consider yourself lucky. But is that the entire concept of what luck is? Having something good happen to you that you either really want but aren't sure you'll get, or that's something completely unexpected?

It's not that I don't think that's enough. Of course I'd be ecstatic if I found five dollars on the floor, or if I won the lottery, or had something awesome like that happen to me. However, I don't think luck is only based on one-time good things that happen to you, but on good things that become and remain a part of your life. My friends are the most important thing in my life, and I consider myself so lucky to know them all and have them as a part of my life, to spend time with and enjoy their company, and to talk about all kinds of things with them, whether it's laughing about something random and cracked out, sharing common interests and obsessions, or discussing our opinions on certain issues and ideas. Just the fact that I have these amazing friends in my life makes me feel that I am lucky.

Of course, there are times in my life when I don't feel lucky, like when I trip and fall or break something, or when I lose things that are important to me (like my ipod a few weeks ago), or when I don't meet the standards I set for myself. But then I think about the things in my life that I do have, like my amazing friends, the fact that I was able to get a new ipod, the fact that I've been able to do a pretty decent job of balancing my time in college between doing work and hanging out, and other things...and I realize that, despite the fact that I might not fit the conventional definition of lucky, I still have so many great things in my life, and that is enough to make me happy and to feel lucky. I guess the catagory of being lucky is different for everyone.

Ambition.

Ambition is a quality that, from what I've experienced, has always been seen as something that's both good and bad. In one of my favorite works of literature, Macbeth, ambition is portrayed negatively; Lady Macbeth was overly ambitious and wanted to gain more power, which she obtained by having her husband kill the king of Scotland, but she ended up being overcome by guilt and is constantly making hand-washing motions as she sleepwalks, as if attempting to wash away the actions that she knows she was responsible for.

However, I've always considered ambition to be mostly a positive quality. I remember taking an online quiz (that was probably something like "What [insert food/drink item here] are you?") and it told me "At your best, you're ambitious," and I thought about how true that is. When I really want something, I'll work hard and do whatever I can in order to get it or make it happen. For example, in junior year I really wanted to do well in AP biology, because I had an amazing teacher who really inspired me and made the class interesting. I worked really hard in that class; I spent a lot of time doing the homework and studying, and it paid off because not only did I get a 5 on the AP test (making me the first one in my entire school to get a 5) but I got the award in the class as well. I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or think I'm some sort of amazing genius; I'm not. The point is that I didn't get to where I did through being smart, but because of hard work and effort. When I'm ambitious and I'm working hard and I'm motivated about something, not only do I usually end up gaining something from it, but it makes me feel happy because I know that all the work I put into whatever I did paid off.

I know, however, that ambition can have negative consequences if taken to extremes. When people are so wrapped up in achieving their goals that they end up hurting other people along the way, then that's taking ambition a bit too far. I mean, not that anyone should completely sacrifice their goals just so they won't make anyone feel bad...but if they're deliberately doing something negative just for their own positive benefit, then in my opinion, that kind of cancels out any rewards or positive feelings that come with achieving something that you've worked hard for.

I guess ambition is both a strength and a weakness...depending on the situation and the person, it can be either. Although I know many times I can be lazy and unmotivated to do things, I know that when I am ambitious, it usually ends up yielding positive results. (I almost wrote "yielding products," like in chemistry. SO glad that class is over, haha.)